Understanding ‘Big Feelings’
Children often experience intense emotional states—joy, anger, sadness, disappointment, or anxiety—that can feel overwhelming. These are what we call Big Feelings. They’re not signs of defiance or misbehaviour, but rather signs that a child’s brain and body are working hard to manage strong emotions they don’t yet fully understand.
As adults, our role is not to stop these feelings but helping children to understand and manage their big feeling and navigate them. Emotional regulation, just like reading or writing, is a skill learned over time through modelling, guidance, and practice.
Why Children Have Big Feelings
1. Developing Brains – The prefrontal cortex, responsible for self-control and reasoning, is still developing (Gross, n.d.).
2. Limited Language – Young children feel deeply but often lack the words to describe emotions.
3. Triggers and Transitions – Hunger, fatigue, changes in routine, or feeling misunderstood can spark emotional outbursts.
4. Unmet Needs – Behaviour is communication; emotional eruptions often signal deeper needs like security or understanding.
Supporting Children During Emotional Moments
1. Name and Validate the Feeling – Label the emotion to show understanding: ‘I can see you’re feeling frustrated.’ Validation helps a child feel seen (HealthyChildren, 2024).
2. Stay Calm Yourself – Children co-regulate by borrowing your calm. Modelling patience teaches emotional safety (Psychology Today, 2024).
3. Use ‘Sportscasting’ – Describe what you observe without judgment: ‘You’re clenching your fists and stomping your feet.’ This builds emotional awareness (HealthyChildren, 2024).
4. Offer Choices and Connection – ‘Would you like a hug or some quiet time?’ Giving simple choices restores control.
5. Teach Coping Skills – Practice deep breathing, using emotion charts, or engaging in calming activities such as drawing or walking. Kaplan (2025) notes that teaching tools when children are calm increases their use during stressful moments.
Building Emotional Regulation Over Time
– Model emotional awareness: verbalise your feelings calmly.
– Normalise emotions: teach that it’s okay to feel upset or sad.
– Create emotional routines: daily check-ins such as ‘What colour is your mood today?’
– Encourage expression through art, play, or storytelling.
– Reinforce successes and progress over time.
Key Takeaways
– Big feelings are a normal part of development.
– Co-regulation comes before self-regulation.
– Validation and calm modelling build trust and control.
– Emotional literacy is a skill strengthened through connection and repetition.